


be afraid of the cold; they'll inherit your blood

by bebitched



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-08
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-12-03 04:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/693931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bebitched/pseuds/bebitched
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>au. five times bella was never bitten.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. torrent

**Author's Note:**

> jasper decides to kill the human girl after edward stupidly saves her from the skidding van. it does not go as planned.
> 
> opening quote and title (translated) from regina spektor's 'apres moi.'

 

_February. Get ink, shed tears._  
 _Write of it, sob your heart out, sing._  
 _While torrential slush that roars,_  
 _Burns in the blackness of the spring._ -

“Ap`res Moi”, Regina Spektor

_i. torrent_

A Cullen family meeting had never felt so much like a round of troops discussing strategy, tempers high and tension tight like my decades spent rounding up immortal troops with Maria.

“I won’t let Alice live in danger, even a slight danger. You don’t feel about anyone the way I feel about her, Edward, and you haven’t lived through what I’ve lived through, whether you’ve seen my memories or not. You don’t understand.”

I thought of the scars on my neck, then of the perfectly pale, unmarred skin on Alice’s, and even the thought of any harm coming to her made my spine stiffen.

“I’m not disputing that, Jasper. But I’m telling you now, I won’t let you hurt Isabella Swan.”

I could feel his determination in the solid force of slate grey around him. Even though I knew I could probably take him in a fight, I tried not to think the words. Edward was my brother, not the enemy.

“Jazz.” Alice’s voice filtered into my thoughts. I felt unwilling to turn away, an instinct left over from years in the south spent watching my back every moment, but I looked over at her after a second of unease.

“Don’t bother telling me you can protect yourself, Alice. I already know that. I’ve still got to—“

Words of safeguarding and husbandly duties died on my tongue as she spoke about her prophecy of the human girl and her as friends. The vision, it… complicated matters. I reeled away from the notion of hurting Alice that way, by depriving her of the companion she sought. I knew she was content in our life and this family, but I could also sense her longing. She had only a predilection for shopping in common with Rosalie; she was very fond of Esme but she considered the woman to be more a mother she never had than her friend.

And then there was her vision of Edward falling in love with the girl.

It would be an understatement to say I was stunned. We tried not to get too involved with the humans that we came in contact with. Far too dangerous. I was still pondering the puzzle of Isabella Swan as I scaled a mountainous fir tree and settled on one of its boughs. Maybe there was something about _this_ human, _this_ girl…

Edward’s actions confounded me. He couldn’t yet be so in love with her to have lost all sense of reason. If anyone ever found out the truth behind his miraculous rescue—

The Volturri drifted unbidden into my thoughts. I had only had two run-ins with the ancient monarchs, once during a close call with Maria and again during my time with Carlisle. Despite the fact that the situations had been worlds apart, I only sensed one emotion from them: greed. Greed for power, greed for violence. They could be counted on to kill us all if we slipped. I respected their duty to keep order, but feared what would become of us if they deemed our family in the way of that chore. Did Alice’s promise that everything would be fine include them as well?

I couldn’t be sure. And that there was the thought that propelled me back down the tree, through the forest swiftly.

The Swans’ house was quaint, large enough for two people but perhaps not if those two people didn’t really know each other. I remembered her emotions on that first day, how her fear had been turned inward, not outward towards those who could judge her. It was curious; I’d never traveled alone when I was human, always joined with the friends who had enlisted in the war alongside me. I used the question to distract myself from making any decisions as I crept up to the back door, listening silently to the girl arguing on the phone with someone. I only heard one heartbeat; her father must have returned to work. That was good, I told myself. No more blood spilt than necessary.

I tested the air around her as I slid an unlocked window open on the first floor. There was frustration there, yes, but also an odd mixture of patience and affection. Her and her mother, I gathered from the context of the call, must have a strange relationship. She talked her mother in circles over the issue of returning home, her tone holding the same emotions as that my ability indicated was emanating from the rest of her. More like friends, or a parent communicating with a small child than the other way around. Very odd indeed.

Bella hung up with her mother, the plastic click of the end button followed quickly by the sound of the phone being set down. I crept up the staircase quickly, not sure if the call would be followed by a trip into the hall and not wanting to be discovered until I chose to be.

Her emotions were a mess, shrouded by irritation and confusion. But the underscore of concentration and curiosity was most troubling, I decided. I didn’t need Edward’s mind-reading ability to tell me she was contemplating my suddenly-impulsive brother and his less-than-human antics. I was making the right choice, I nodded to myself, stealing my body tight against the opposite wall. Best end this before everyone got too involved to back out.

But as the girl rose from her bed and made her way toward her door, closer to me, her scent hit me full on. I found it difficult to believe she could be more appealing to Edward than she was to me. But if she was, I was in awe of his restraint. These thoughts, of course, retreated to the logical portion of my brain the second she was in sight, and I could make out the faint throbbing of her jugular. She hadn’t spotted me yet, that much was obvious by the relaxed set of her shoulders and even tempo of her heart.

One taste, I decided, wouldn’t do any harm. To kill her without it would be like setting food out in the sun to spoil. A waste by any standards.

I hadn’t realized I was gripping the doorframe in my hand until it splintered in my palm, a second before the sound reached Bella’s ears as well. I could have bolted, hidden in the closet like some guilty adolescent, but for whatever reason I remained. I watched in fascination as her heart rate spiked, her eyes widening as they darted to my menacing figure.

She took a quick step away, and it wasn’t even until she was falling that I noticed she had been standing at the top of the stairs.

The rest of the staircase was hidden from my view, but I could certainly hear the thump of her body hitting the plane and angle of each step, the crunch of bones and slap of skin as she broke like the fragile human she was. I had barely a moment of wallowing in pity for the girl, lying twisted as she was at the bottom of the stairs, before the scent of her blood pooling on the floor hit me and all rational thought was lost.

The next thing I knew, a strong grip was tearing me away from Bella’s body, teeth torn unjustly from her throat before I’d had my fill. I struggled valiantly, but there were two and I was blinded by bloodlust, my vision streaked in red and eyes for only one thing. But my thrashing grew weaker as I came back to myself, until the point where I could identify one of my assailants as Emmett and the other as Rosalie. I stilled.

“What-“

“Carlisle! What should I do?” Edward’s frantic voice pierced once and for all through my haze, and I suddenly became aware of the human girl convulsing a few feet from where I was being held. Well that wasn’t what I’d intended at all.

He turned to snarl at my thoughts.

“I’m sorry, son.” Carlisle spoke gravely, and Alice rested her hands on Edward’s shoulders. Somehow he was keeping it together, despite the fact that his hands were practically dripping in Bella’s blood. His will would always be stronger than mine, I realized. “There’s nothing more you or I can do. The change… it’s to the point of no return.”

He hung his head limply, his face crumpling as if in true agony.

But then he swung towards me, and Alice’s comforting hands became restraints.

“You did this to her.”

I nodded, no point in denying it.

“To keep us safe.”

_To clean up your mess_ , I thought but didn’t say, yet the effect was much the same as if I had spoken the words aloud.

And I didn’t need to make use of my gift for him to share in my guilt.

_(врезаться)_

Bella’s change took nearly four days; blood loss equaled less liquid to pump the venom into her system, and therefore a more drawn out transformation. I cursed myself for the poor planning and lack of self-restraint that caused the girl even more pain. Lord knew she didn’t deserve it.

I waited by her bed like a doctor with no medicine, a soldier with no war or weapons to fight, an angel with no God or a demon with no sin.

Edward had disappeared along with his guilt the second after he’d deposited her on his bed. And I guess that would always be the difference between us: he might have the willpower to restrain himself, but he couldn’t deal with the consequences if he ever gave in to his whims.

Her vampire eyes open eighty-six hours and twelve minutes after her human eyelids had closed, and I have only two seconds to ponder a correlation between their dark color and her blood-loss before I drop to my knees.

It’s as if a piece of my person, of my soul (if that’s even still there) is being wrenched away from me. I gasp once it’s gone, leaving a purely metaphorical gaping wound inside of me, and I look up at the terrifyingly beautiful girl standing above me.

“You feel guilty.” She states plainly, her head cocked to the side.

I nod weakly, trying to gain my bearings. She crouches down in one fluid movement.

“But it’s more than that. You’re…” she trails off, searching. And if I hadn’t done the same so many times before, if I hadn’t ever tasted the mood around someone, trying to gain insight, I don’t think I would have been able to tell what she was doing. But I was reminded and the hole inside me ached. “You’re relieved.”

She regards me curiously, void of anger, the emotion I would have expected. Part of me was waiting here for my execution.

And then she’s grinning. “And now you’re confused. That’s okay. You wouldn’t be the first.” But then she trails a single finger down my cheek and I’m all too aware how much stronger than me she is at this moment. “But tell me why you’re relieved.” There’s something in her otherwise-light tone that suggests it isn’t a request.

“Because maybe there’ll finally be someone else in this family that just doesn’t belong.”

Bella nods, standing just as quickly as she’d bent down. And then she’s gone.

I hear Alice gasp downstairs, her choke as the same effect Bella had on me affects her as well. Yet, even as I think through the connection, I feel my gift return to me, seeping back into the chasm within my chest. Suddenly, I can feel her confused panic instead of just listen to it.

“Alice!” I holler as I streak down the stairs, afraid for her far more than for myself.

_“I’m going to love you someday_ ,” I hear Bella repeat behind me as I take Alice’s shoulders in my hands, searching her face for signs of pain. But she’s only shaken.

“Yes.”

Bella grins; I see it reflected in the shine of Alice’s eyes as she mirrors the expression.

“I like that.”

When I finally turn, I see Bella clutched to Rosalie’s side while the blonde flutters over her like a mother hen over her chick. I’m suddenly struck by the irony that not a week ago Rosalie had been pleading for the same girl’s death. I snort.

Rosalie barely has time to glare at me before Bella’s head snaps up, her gaze speculative.

“You wanted me dead too.” But Rosalie has only shrunk back a bare millimeter, surprisingly guilty, before Bella shakes her head. “That’s okay; I understand.”

I connect the behavior to the ability only a moment before Edward appears at the back door, looking pained. She’s drained him as well.

“Well, aren’t you just the prodigal son returning only after the smoke has cleared. Have a nice mope, did you?” Rosalie sneers, back into protective mode now that she’s been forgiven for her own hand in Bella’s change. She must have figured Bella had done the same for me, or else parts of me would be flung all over the house already.

“Rosalie.” I’m surprised by the even base-line of Bella’s voice, and how she doesn’t even stutter now that everyone’s eyes are on her. The shy part of her must have died along with her heart. “Leave him be.”

I can feel a tug on that essence that had been stolen before, but it’s only for the faintest moment in which her eyes flash to mine, a _thank you_ for borrowing, before she returns to her sentence. “He feels guilty enough as it is.”

“What’re you…” Rosalie questions, eyeing me, then Alice and finally Bella. “How are you doing that?”

Bella grins slyly.

“I’m a black hole.” She turns to Carlisle, who’s suddenly appeared at the bottom of the stairs. “Isn’t that right?”

Carlisle’s expression is concentrated. “I suppose that’s one way of putting it.”

Bella’s gaze turns sharply on Edward, her eyes narrowing.

“What was that? Your thoughts were too scattered for me to keep up.”

He stares back, broken, and if he’s surprised that she can hear his thoughts and he can hear no one’s but his own, he doesn’t show it. 

“I’m sorry. For what I did to you. This is my fault.” His eyes meet mine. “Even if it wasn’t my teeth.”

But to my surprise Bella merely rolls her eyes.

“Please. You’re always looking for excuses for self-flagellation. You think you’re a monster, that you don’t deserve to be happy because of the terrible things you’ve done. Well, don’t count on me to help you out with that little pity-party.”

Bella sits down with finality on the couch, facing away from Edward with her arms crossed.

 Emmett stifles a laugh and Rosalie doesn’t both to, throwing herself down beside Bella.

“Lucky you, Edward. You’ve finally found the only person who could make you feel like shit by not making you feel like shit. It’s fate, really.”

Bella giggles, like it was some inside joke, which it might as well have been. She knows Edward better now than any of us could in our half-century of history living among each other. Fate indeed.

But there is some part of me that aches as I watch Rosalie and Bella talk, Alice skittering past me to sit on the newest addition’s other side. Bella fits. She belongs, and if I have to guess, the contentment wafting off of her in gentle waves is due to the fact that she hadn’t felt that in her human family. Her old family. Even Edward drifts closer, like a magnet to metal or a moth enraptured by a flame. Boy is toast.

And I remain. Forever on the outskirts.

“Jasper?” My distant gaze flickers to hers, finding not pity but encouragement in her deep red stare. Acceptance. She tilts her head to the chair opposite her. “Come sit?”

And it’s a question because it really is my choice. Stay or leave. Inside or outside. To belong or to shun.

I take a deep breath and head for the chair.

 

  



	2. ink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> au. edward hesitates in the ballet studio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is part two of five 'times bella never got turned into a vampire'. title and opening quote (translated) from regina spektor's 'apres moi.' uh, so these kind of get more disturbing as i go along?

 

 _February. Get ink, shed tears._  
Write of it, sob your heart out, sing.  
While torrential slush that roars,  
Burns in the blackness of the spring.-

“Ap`res Moi”, Regina Spektor

 

_ii. ink_

If my heart hadn’t stopped beating in a potato cellar four centuries ago, it would have frozen in my chest the moment I stepped into that ballet studio. The blurred motion of Jasper and Emmett joining the brawl between James and Edward was only secondary in my mind as the scent of Bella’s blood hit my senses. It held only an iota of the appeal that it once had; just enough to remind me why I’m here. Of what’s at stake.

“Carlisle!”

Edward’s voice rang sharp with panic at the same moment that I flitted to his side, leaning over the broken girl that had become nearly as integral a part to our family as Jasper or Alice, or perhaps even myself. Blood seeped at an alarming rate from her scalp. I brushed aside her dark waves stringy with the crimson liquid to access the damage.

“She’s lost some blood,” I ascertained by the rather large pool by the broken mirror, “but the head wound isn’t deep.” Edward made a move to lean over her, and I held out a cautionary hand. “Watch out for her leg, it’s broken.” The ivory splinter of bone was visible poking through her skin, and I winced empathetically. But that wasn’t her only fracture.

I felt gently along her sides, smelling the blood pooling there. “Some ribs, too, I think.”

“Edward…” Bella’s voice gurgled drowsily, her face contorting with pain, “Edward, it hurts.”

My eyes scanned her body for further injuries, because something wasn’t quite right…

Three things happened nearly at once: Edward turned to me to question me about controlling her pain level, Bella cried out in fresh agony, and my searching eyes found the bite mark on her hand.

“My hand- it’s burning!” she shrieked, clenching her fingers into a fist against fire.

“James bit her.” I clarified, mostly to myself. I was faintly and briefly glad my family had disposed of him, but the spiteful thought was quickly replaced with concentration as Alice handed me my supplies and I began to stitch up her head wound.

I was only faintly aware of the argument between Alice and Edward, mostly because it was as predicable as it was stubborn; Alice must have flashed her vision of Bella was one of us through her mind because he protested vehemently. Any fool could see how much Edward abhorred even the idea that Bella would be damned to this life.

“There may be a chance.” I hedged, “See if you can suck the venom out.”

Edward tensed beside me, no doubt disbelieving his ability to resist temptation to quite that degree. The same pained skepticism was in his tone as he spoke.

“Carlisle I…” His ebony eyes gave him away. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

There was a beat of silence in which the only sound was the frantic galung-galung of Bella’s heart, her moans of agony and the scuffle of her body as it writhed on the wood floor.

“You’re running out of time.” I warned. I wouldn’t wish to be inside his head at that moment, for it was an impossible choice. Risk taking her life by draining her dry or doom her to an eternity feeding off others.

Alice must have been humming with energy, but she was wise enough to keep silent, fluttering over Bella’s leg with the attention of a war nurse.

Unfortunately for Edward, time slid the alternative away from him.

“It’s too late. The venom is diffusing into her tissues; her veins are sealing closed.”

Edward remained motionless.

“Son, I-“

“No.” He raised a hand in defiance to my consolation, my reassurances. His jaw was locked and the direction of his thoughts was plain. Bella screamed and, if possible, his expression slipped deeper into grief. “I’m so sorry, Bella,” he scooped her into his arms, cradling her tortured body against his chest. “So sorry.”

The hot asphalt of the street was beneath our feet, the burning frame of the ballet studio lay in our wake, and the scent of venom and blood intermingling led the way to our destination.

_(чернил)_

“Edward?”

I glanced up from the medical journal on the desk in front of me, just as Bella darted into the room. She probably could have been able to tell he wasn’t here if she had stopped to listen, but from the frantic edge to her voice, I doubted she was thinking rationally.

“He’s out hunting with the others, remember?”

My voice was cautious, placating even. It seemed to calm her.

“Oh.” Her shoulders slouched forward, more out of habit than any kind of tension. Vampires didn’t exactly have sore muscles. “Oh that’s right. Thank you, Carlisle. I’m sorry to bother you.”

“It’s no trouble at all.” Now my voice was the one with a keen bit of tension, desperate to hold her here. She rarely left her and Edward’s room these days. “How have you been feeling lately?”

Her eyes softened briefly, then sharpened, the way they always seemed to when she deemed someone was putting too much effort into fretting unnecessarily over her.

“Just fine.”

Her voice was small, fragile even, for such a strong creature.

The way she’d called out Edward’s name a few moments ago reminded me of the way she’d woken up in this new world and I winced momentarily as I recalled her beginnings.

_“Edward? Where’s Edward?” her red eyes wide like an earthquake victim’s after the fall._

_“I’m here,” he’d assured. His smile would only have been comforting to someone who either didn’t know him very well, or who wasn’t paying much attention. Bella was neither._

_“What’s wrong?” she’d cooed sympathetically, smoothing her thumb over the creases in his forehead. But then her hand froze, inching away. “Don’t you want me anymore? Like this?”_

_“Of course that’s not it!” he’d boomed, trapping her hand and bringing it to his lips. “How can you even say that?”_

_She’d smiled then, timid but still scared._

_“Good.”_

It had been three years, and they’d barely budged an inch; Bella disoriented, Edward berating himself for not saving her, Bella fretting over his constant martyring. 

Edward worried over her constantly, his guilt melting with his already apparent fear for her well-being. The change in her merely altered the nature of his concerns; human food for blood, horror at our kind for regret over her choices, falling down for massacring the local town.

Bella rarely spoke, and if she did, it was to Alice, and only in whispers. I didn’t think Alice had ever spoken so quietly for so long in her entire life. For the most part she communicated with Edward through her thoughts, and they had silent conversations across rooms more than they voiced them aloud. It was a strange existence.

And that was the most pronounced change to the arrangement; Edward could hear her thoughts now. The scientist in me had theorized, in fact could have sworn, that her resistance to his gift had meant something about her ability in this life.

I was wrong.

She lived in a constant state of frazzled disorientation, as if she still wasn’t quite sure why she could suddenly break walls and she no longer slept. She spent most of her time that wasn’t with Edward exploring the many empty rooms within her own mind, marveling at the wide berth of her thoughts, or penning letters to her loved ones that she could never send. When she ran out of people in her family, she moved on to strangers, people she had met in passing. A cashier who seemed sad one day. A boy she had barely known in Arizona who had picked up her books after she fell once. Laurent, apologizing for the death of his friend.  

Bella shifted awkwardly on her feet in the space in front of my desk, already inching towards the door.

I smiled kindly.

“You can go now Bella.”

Her expression was one of relief, and then she was gone.

Only one ear was idly listening to the downstairs rooms, keeping track of Bella as she shuffled around the living room. She went to poke around the kitchen, the way she often did, as if she thought that perhaps if she sat long enough there that she might want to fix a snack. It was another of her behaviors that worried Edward to the point of insanity. He came to check on her often.

So I didn’t think much of it when I heard someone slip in through the back door, thinking it was just Edward making sure she was alright.

“I know you,” came Bella voice from below, and my forehead wrinkled in confusion. Well that was odd.

The voice that replied, however, had me bolting from my chair, racing down the stairs.

“You should. Your mate killed mine, after all.”

I rounded the corner just as a sound like ripping aluminum echoed through the house.

And there Bella stood, Victoria’s arm dangling from her grip.

“Oops,” Bella breathed.

“Bitch!” Victoria screamed, and lunged for her, just as Edward knocked her to the floor. He tore off her head. Her red hair shimmered, disembodied, as he tossed it to Jasper and the fire Emmett was already building in the backyard. They made quick work of the pieces, Edward’s rage that the woman had dared to enter our home with the intention of killing his mate causing his attention to focus diligently on her absolute destruction.

I noted the dismemberment from the sidelines, refusing to take part but never a thought to stop them. Sometime violence was as practical as it was horrible.

Bella watched with her lip between her teeth, her eyes wide and glossy, and when all Victoria’s limbs were smoldering, she ran to him.

“I- I- I didn’t mean to,” she whimpered, Edward pressing her to his chest as he gazed at the flames watchfully.

His expression molted from confusion to shock as he no doubt read her mind.

“It’s okay Bella, no one is angry with you,” he explained with an edge of hysteria, unsure how to comfort guilt that was childlike in its innocence.

She raised her head from his shoulder, finding his eyes. “Tell her I’m sorry?” she pleaded intently. He stared at her for a pregnant moment, searching for something in her stare, or perhaps it was her mind, that he never found. He nodded slowly.

“I’ll tell her.”


	3. slush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> au. bella has different luck during edward's fight with victoria.

 

_February. Get ink, shed tears._  
Write of it, sob your heart out, sing.  
While torrential slush that roars,  
Burns in the blackness of the spring.-

“Ap`res Moi”, Regina Spektor

_iii. slush_

“No— I said in candy apple red, not burgundy. Candy app- do you understand what I’m telling you?”

“Candy apple red,” the sales girl replied in a bored monotone, and I could hear the papery rustle of a magazine through the phone line.

“Yes. In a size 2.”

“I’m sorry?”

I groaned, getting fed up quickly. My hands fluttered around wildly, and even though she couldn’t see me, I hoped the edge was evident in my tone.

“It’s very simple. I’d like item 4725 in a size 2 in candy-“

I gasped as the vision hit, the phone clattering to the floor.

Bella. Cliff. Jump. Scream. Water. Splash. Rocks. Blood.

“Alice? Alice what did you see?” Jasper’s voice cut through my horror, and I clutched at his shoulder the way he was gripping mine.

“Bella, jumping off a cliff. Oh Jasper, there was so much blood!” I wailed, as the full effect of the vision struck me. My friend. My _sister_. Memories of forcefully painting her nails, of giggling on couches, of her and Edward, rushed my mind, and I placed a steadying hand to my forehead. _Edward_. Too much, too much, too much.

Bella was hurt badly. Or at least would be very soon.

I snatched up the phone from the hardwood, ending the call with the bubble-brained sales girl and dialing a new number.

“Who are you calling?” Jasper questioned, his face a patient mask of worry. This must be quite complicated for him, considering.

“I’m booking a flight to Forks.”

“No, Alice. You know what Edward said-“

“I don’t give a shit what _Edward said_ ,” I imitated his drawl, rolling my eyes. I pressed 1 for booking. “Bella is hurt, and I’m not going to just sit around and do nothing.”

Jasper waited impatiently as I bought a ticket for a flight leaving in just over two hours.

“You don’t even know if she’s alive.”

I swallowed.

“No. But I can hope. And if not-“ I grimaced, “Then I’ll help Charlie any way that I can.”

He crossed his arms over his chest, his disapproval practically emanating from his pores.

“If Edward calls I’m not going to lie to him about what’s going on.”

“If Edward calls-“

I paused as another vision rocked through my sight.

Bella. Hospital bed. Beeping. Alive.

I grinned.

“Tell him I’m with Bella at Forks hospital.”

The flight was practically torture. And not just because it had been weeks since I fed and I was stuck in an air tight steel drum with a hundred hungry heartbeats pulsing away all around me. But because I couldn’t see any more. I spent take-off to landing searching the future frantically for any change in Bella’s condition, but the future was stagnant.

Bella’s heart monitor beeping. Bella’s hands lying peacefully by her sides. Bella’s eyes closed.

I didn’t bother hailing a taxi.

I slowed to a walk once I came within sight of the hospital entrance, slipping through a back door that nurses and doctors used on their smoke breaks. There was certainly an advantage to having a father who had worked here before.

The nurse at the front desk glanced up as I tapped twice against the counter, knowing she wouldn’t hear my approach.

“Alice Cullen!” She squeaked, her hands coming up to rest against the sides of her neck in shock. I chuckled internally. Maybe some humans were more intuitive than they appeared. “What are you doing back? Is Dr. Cullen-“

“I’m alone,” I clarified quickly, not having time for her and her crush. “I’m actually here to see Isabella Swan.”

The nurse flushed at my obvious understanding of her intent, before nodding once to herself.

“Right. You two were close before you all left town. She’s in room 237. But-“ her hand shot up to still my quick departure. “Prepare yourself. She isn’t awake and it doesn’t look good.”

I nodded solemnly, confirmation for my visions that I didn’t need.

Spotting Charlie in a chair situated just outside her room, I made an effort to shuffle my steps loudly. When he did glance up, his expression was distant, overwhelmed. Poor guy.

“Alice?” he questioned warily, not trusting his own eyes.

“Hey Charlie. How is she?”

I checked ahead again. _Bella’s eyes closed._ I sighed.

“I-I don’t know.” His eyes found the twisted baseball cap in his white-knuckled hands, sniffling quietly. “Some fishermen found her when they were rowing away from the storm. Said they saw her fall. Pulled her out of the water, got the water out of her lungs. I was already here at the hospital, you know, for Harry. Sue should still be here somewhere. But then I heard a doctor say…” his rambling dwindled off, and I was almost glad he was too distracted to ask how I knew about Bella’s fall, or even how I got here so quickly. My excuses were thin. “Renee is coming.” He nodded to himself. “Renee will know what to do.”

And Renee did come. She arrived the next day, still slightly damp with Florida sweat and hair in a state of frazzled disarray. Her eyes were wild, her movements jerky with constant panic, and she was there. But she didn’t know what to do either.

“So this is- she’s just asleep right? Nature’s way of healing her from the trauma?”

The doctor glanced warily at her chart.

“Ma’am, your daughter is in a coma. The impact when her head hit the rocks fractured her skull and immediately sent her into severe unconsciousness. Her CT revealed a cerebral contusion. Only time will reveal the extent of the damage.”

“But she will wake up, right?” Renee demanded, hysterical humor in her voice.

“We will monitor her for intracranial swelling, but all we can do now is wait.”

“Wait.” Whether it was a question or not was unclear.

And we did wait. Charlie with a cup of coffee permanently glued to his hand, Renee fluffing pillows and rearranging flowers and flipping through channels to find something Bella might like, though we both knew Bella never really liked watching television. And me with my eyes closed, prodding the future with my boney, precognizant fingers.

This was how I knew he would be here almost as soon as he did.

“You came.” I said in an even voice, my eyes never opening.

The hospital was quiet and dark, visiting hours having ended ages ago and most of the nurses either off duty or sleepily conversing at the front desk. I had only snuck back in an hour ago.

I heard him walk to her bedside, and fluttered my eyelids just as his hand, hovering over hers, curled into a fist and shot into his pocket.

“Of course I did.”

I tried to contain my thoughts for straying to _I told you so_ ’s, or even more hurtful jabs of _you didn’t seem to care too terribly much before_ , but from his pained expression I guessed some of them slipped through. Or maybe that was just his face.

“Who-“

“Jasper.”

I nodded

“What are the doctors saying?”

I focused on remembering the man’s exact words the day before, every tick of his face and how I’d decoded them at the time to mean something more.

_A 4 on the Glasgow scale, limited response to painful stimuli, no eye movements or sounds._

“No sleep talking?”

I shook my head, somehow knowing that this would hurt him more than the rest.

“Not a peep.”

“But they didn’t say-“ he swallowed thickly. “She’s not in a vegetative state.”

“No.”

There was a pause in which Edward just stared intensely at Bella’s unconscious face, as if he could make her spontaneously awake if he wished it hard enough.

“What was she thinking?” he suddenly whispered fiercely, taking her shoulders into his hands briefly as if to shake some sense into her, before he let them drop. “She promised to take care of herself.”

I resisted the urge to scoff at his logic. You take away the love of a girl’s life and you expect her to, what, forget? But I didn’t say it aloud because I knew that’s exactly what he thought and it wasn’t what he needed to hear.

“She wasn’t trying to kill herself.”

His eyes flashed to mine.

“Her friend Jacob came by this afternoon. Seems the kids down there go cliff diving as a recreational hobby. Bella was stupid about it, but not suicidal.”

He let out a breath and I wondered if this was a burden off his shoulders, or if it made things better on him at all. Probably not.

But he stiffened again as he read deeper into my memories of the boy’s visit.

“Werewolf?”

I shrugged, unsure.

“I’m guessing.”

He let out a sound that came close to a pained moan, before his face drained of all emotion. This was problem-solver Edward now. 

“Did you call Carlisle?”

“He’s flying in tomorrow. But I don’t think-“

“Stop.” His hand rested flat against the air between us. I knew he could hear me think it.

It wasn’t looking good. There was no guarantee that Carlisle would be able to help. There was really only one chance for her.

His face went blank, almost wild in its stagnancy, and then he was gone.

It continued like that for another month; Charlie and Renee visitors during the day, and Edward prowling in the shadows of her hospital room at night. I watched with a growing irritation that had little to do with my useless visions.

“This is the way it’s supposed to be. Death. Death is normal.” But he sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

“Normal? She jumped off a cliff after her vampire sweetheart left her because his brother tried to eat her. What about this is normal? You can’t put her in a vampire world and expect her to live by human rules.”

“But she _is_ human. Or maybe you’ve forgotten.”

_If you don’t change her I will._

Edward was before me in an instant, threat in every tensed twitch of muscle, in the narrow of his eyes. My expression hardened.

“Don’t you dare.” He spat. “If you even so much as-“

“She is _my sister_ , Edward! I’m not going to just sit by and let your insecurities with what we are end her life when you know this is what she’d want.”

He leaned away from me, his expression suddenly more depressed than angry.

“She doesn’t know what she wants. She doesn’t understand what it would mean.”

I rolled my eyes.

“I will never understand how Bella put up with that. Do you realize how condescending you sound? She is a fully aware human being,” my eyes flickered to Bella in the bed, resisting the past tense implicit here. “She’s an adult. Even if you were her father, as you insist on acting, instead of her ex-boyfriend, you couldn’t say you have the authority to dictate her choices.”

He shook his head, not listening (never listening) and I threw up my hands. I didn’t need a vision to tell me he would persist in talking in circles if this conversation continued.

Another month passed.

“She’s no longer responding to pain, Edward. They had to put in a breathing tube this morning.”

Edward’s head bowed, moonlight striking the wild tips of his hair. His eyes were practically bruised and his face was so terribly pale.

“I know.”

The comatose father of four sharing the room with Bella died. I stared at the plain white sheet of the now vacant bed, laying a gentle hand over the pillow. I would have cried if I could.

“Just…” Edward bit out that night, silencing me with a hand. “Just go.”

My glare could have shattered glass.

Charlie gradually spent less and less time at the hospital, resuming his normal work schedule with a kind of hesitant relief that ached to witness.

“Maybe she’s not going to wake up.”

Renee’s hand smacking hard against his cheek practically echoed down the hall.

“Don’t you dare say that. She can _hear you_!” She moved to sit beside the hospital bed, running a soothing hand over Bella’s hair. “It’s okay, baby. You take your time.”

I came into the room one night to hear Edward whispering softly into Bella’s ear.

“You’re Bella. You’re still Bella and I’m Edward and I love you. I love you. I lied before, in the woods. Please wake up. I can’t-“ His eyes darted up to mine, standing in the doorway. His expression held utter desolation, helpless desperation. He was drowning.

“I can’t let the last thing I said to her be that I didn’t want her.”

It was that night that I decided.

Forging the documents was easy, and convincing Charlie and Renee to transfer Bella to a more-equipped facility with better doctors was a simple sell. Charlie wanted to be let off the hook; Renee just wanted hope.

Pulling it off without Edward’s knowledge, however, was a bit more difficult.

“You need to hunt.”

“I’m fine,” he lied, placing his hands over his eyes either to hide the evidence or as a habit of stress.

“Mm-hm,” I hummed sarcastically, “And if a patient starts bleeding… then what? You think you wouldn’t slip?”

He flinched and I knew I’d won.

Driving the emergency transportation van to one of my and Jasper’s properties in central Canada myself, I checked every few minutes on Bella’s vitals, even though I knew they had remained steady. We’d make it to the house; I’d seen it.

I didn’t tell the family; I knew there was a chance one of them would object, or accidentally let it slip to Edward in their thoughts. Carlisle had left just a week ago to Edward’s chagrin. He had done all he could but, in the end, that was nothing more than examining CTs and repeating the same diagnosis as the first doctor.

I’d hunted hours before leaving, and again when we’d arrived, quickly darting into the forest spanning the back of the property. Just to be safe.

Bella looked so peaceful lying on the dining room table (ironic, I know), and if I didn’t know better I’d think she was sleeping. I pretended for a moment that she was; strange Bella, napping on the furniture.

The machines whirred away as I touched one finger to the dip of my bellybutton, the only hint left of my humanity. It was the only evidence that I had been born, that I’d had a mother a father, despite how cruel I’d found out they’d been, instead of hatched or sprouted in the soil or created in a science experiment. But Bella wouldn’t have that problem, not if I had any say in the matter. I vowed that even if Bella forgot everything, right down to her name, I would hunt down every last detail of her life and offer it to her like sugar in war.

I unhooked her from the machines swiftly, only pausing once to speak to her, wondering idly if she could hear me.

“I hope this is what you really wanted.”

In the next moment my teeth were sinking into her skin.

_(слякоть)_

I was watching the Grandfather clock anxiously when Bella’s eyes opened, my vision from two hours before mirroring the tick-tock of the swinging pendulum perfectly.

Our eyes locked.

“I fell.”

I nodded.

“Am I dead?” her expression was so perplexed, with the slightest undercurrent of irritation at the possibility that she could indeed have left the mortal coil, that I laughed.

“No, Bella, you’re not dead.”

She studied me for a tension-filled moment, before flying across the room and wrapping her arms tight around me.

“I missed you.”

I grinned softly into her hair.

“I missed you too. But you must have questions.” I was hesitant to switch topics to more unpleasant things, but to my confusion Bella merely shook her head.

“Not really. I’m pretty sure I got everything.”

At my confounded expression she giggled.

“I’ll explain later.” Her face suddenly lit up in delight. “Let’s go hunting. I’m parched.”

It was over the corpses of a half-dozen drained deer (all for her) that she explained her visions. They were similar to mine, in a way, in that she could see what was coming. But it was more than that.

“Have you ever heard of Chaos Theory?”

My eyebrows scrunched together.

“You mean ‘a butterfly flaps its wings in Brazil and causes a tornado off the coast of Texas’?”

She nodded solemnly.

“I can _see_ that. The way one event leads to another, and then more after that… it’s strange. It’s as if I’m surrounded by twisting ribbons, coming from all directions, and I can follow where they lead with my mind, or trace them back to where they started.

“I know that the hamburger that man is eating in a cabin fifteen miles from here will drip grease on the floor as he carries the dish to the sink, which will then cause him to spill his orange juice as he slips on it tomorrow morning. His shout will cause his dog to come running, knocking over a lamp in the process. The shattered pieces of it will be swept up and taken to the trash can down the road, where he’ll meet a woman by chance that he’ll someday fall in love with. But some of those shards will skitter under the carpet, and when they’re moving into a bigger house in ten years, she’ll cut her fingers on it and get an infection. And so on.

“Most of the ribbons are like that. Endless.”

I gaped at her.

“Don’t worry though, she’ll be fine. Shot of antibiotics should clear that right up. I doubt she’ll miss that finger.”

“That’s not what I- I mean- you can see everything?” and it wasn’t exactly jealousy that strangled my voice, but perhaps a touch of ashamed curiosity. I couldn’t see _everything_ , and it was always subjective.

Bella shook her head.

“It’s very difficult to concentrate on just one string, especially with them crossing this way and that, interweaving.” She closed her eyes tightly, “It strains my eyes to try to look at them all.”

“I can imagine,” I shuddered, trying to picture every vision of every choice anyone would ever make flooding me all at once. It hurt just to visualize.

I paused.

“Wait,” I eyed her warily. “If you know all that about a human, aren’t you tempted to, you know…” I trailed off, not wanting to give her any homicidal ideas if they weren’t already there.

“No. I’m just fine.”

And she was; her eyes were still red, but lightening. Not even black with hunger.

“How?”

Bella smiled then, slyly.

“If I kill him now he’ll never get the girl.”

I laughed, relief stretching out wide and contented in my belly as I laid back against the grass, and Bella did the same beside me. For a few hours I didn’t worry about the messages probably piling up in the inbox of my deadened cell phone, or how Edward was most likely going to kill me when he found Bella immortal and stone. (By now he knew she was missing, and if the scare wasn’t enough my choice to go over his head would sure do the trick.) I didn’t even really think about the past, the few months of constant worry over a best friend dying slowly in front of me, except to be grateful I was no longer there.

I was just… happy.

“He’s going to come eventually,” Bella suddenly piped up beside me, just as dawn was blooming beyond the tree line.

I glanced over at her, curious about her steady tone. For all she knew, Edward wasn’t in love with her anymore and would simply be miffed that he would have to put up with her for eternity.

“He does love you, you know. He came, every night.”

Bella nodded calmly.

“Yes I know. I could hear him.”

I chuckled internally; Renee was right about one thing at least.

“And now?”

She settled her eyelids into graceful slits, her dark eyelashes standing out starkly against her pale skin. It looked like she was thinking, maybe meditating.

“You changed me into a vampire. I was dying. I was in a coma. I hit my head. I went cliff diving. Jacob told me about the sport. Jacob became my best friend. Jacob brought me back to life. I was broken. Edward lied and left me in the woods. Edward decided he knew what was best. Jasper attacked me.”

It took me a moment to recognize that she was reading her fortune, only backwards. She was tracing the ribbon back to the beginning.

“Sounds about right.”

Bella sighed, sitting up regretfully and clutching her knees to her chest.

“Do I have to deal with all that today? Can’t I wait until tomorrow?”

“You tell me,” I allowed, brushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear, “We can hold him off as long as you want.”

I snorted as she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah right. He’s going to come busting in through that door the second he figures out where we are.”

I frowned.

“I hope not. I rather like that door.”

So we existed, together, and it wasn’t waiting. I don’t think I could have stood another day of waiting. I missed Jasper horribly, wished that I could call him and tell him what was going on. But there was Edward.

I growled to myself.

Edward and his damn mind reading.

Surely he must have figured out what had happened by now, must be seething with rage at me, pitying Bella for falling victim to hideous, overzealous Alice. But then again he probably could have found us weeks ago if he was truly searching; it wasn’t too difficult to check out six properties spanning the world when you could run long distances and swim the oceans. Maybe he was giving us space. Maybe he understood that Bella couldn’t handle being faced with the man who had broken her and left her pieces scattered for nearly a year, even if she knew now it had been “for her own good”.

And I asked her about that. Yep, she thought it was condescending too.

We were so cut off from the rest of the world that it was easy to forget that the rest of it, beyond our little nook, still existed. I took her hunting; she rediscovered the cache of 60s literature that lay dusty on a shelf. She worked on her control, finding it was easier to resist the blood of hikers when she knew who they were, who they were going to be. My cell phone remained off. And she still wasn’t ready.

Watching Bella was like baking bread.

It was on a rainy day in July that she settled her book into her lap, folded her hands over her stomach and breathed out once.

“I’m ready to see him now.”

I took the door off the hinges, just in case.

 

 


	4. burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> au. bella has different luck during edward's fight with victoria.

_February. Get ink, shed tears._  
Write of it, sob your heart out, sing.  
While torrential slush that roars,  
Burns in the blackness of the spring.-

“Ap`res Moi”, Regina Spektor

_iv. burn_

The epiphany came to me like the flood after the arc. Both fights, Seth’s with Riley and Edward’s with Victoria, were too close to bet on, and there wasn’t enough money in the world to stake on how much I needed both to turn out favorably. Seth was just a boy, not even old enough to have his own driver’s license in most states, and Edward…

It hurt to even think of the possibility.

Then I remembered the sharp spike of stone in my hand from the miniature avalanche just moments before. Did I really have the strength to impale my own heart? The same heart I had only just imagined Victoria ripping out of me?

But I didn’t have to. I thought back to my eighteenth birthday, something I tried to avoid because of all its painful repercussions. All because of one small paper cut. I didn’t need a bloodbath to distract them. A steady stream would do.

My flesh tore under the serrated edge of the stone. I dragged it up my forearm, liquid thinner than cherry pie filling dripping to the foliage beneath my feet. My lip was gnawed to destruction as I bit back the whimper of pain, my vision cloudy with unshed tears.

My eyes met Riley’s as he paused, glossy chocolate meeting furious black, and then he disappeared.

My human vision wasn’t precise enough to quite follow the next series of events, but my hearing intensified to compensate for the lack.

It seemed as if time stopped. I registered that at the same moment Seth tore Riley’s head off with his teeth and a sound like metal, mere centimeters from my arm, that Edward turned his head to face me, his expression showing shocked horror. And then he howled in pain.

Reality stopped making logical sense. Time must have rewound, then skipped ahead, because it was only then I realized Riley had grazed his teeth against the wound in my arm.

I was briefly reminded of a snake who, once he’d locked his jaws, would cling to flesh even if his head was severed off.

And then the burning started.

I probably wouldn’t have noticed that Riley had bitten me, or even been able to distinguish the burn of my self-inflicted wound from that of the venom, if the pain hadn’t started to spread up my arm and into my chest.

I screamed. My veins were suddenly pumping acid. The venom spread to my stomach and I clawed at my flesh there, then it trickled to my knees and I dropped to the ground. But my eyes never left Edward, or the blur that I suspected to be his perfect form.

No. Not perfect. Not anymore.

A piece of pale marble landed near the spot where my head rested on the ground. It only took a moment, even in my tortured state, to recognize it.

Edward’s hand. I would have known it anywhere, even though it was no longer attached to the arm of its owner. How many times had those fingers touched me? Swept the hair back from my neck or stroked my cheek or slid along my ribcage. With trembling fingers I reached out and snatched the disembodied appendage up, holding on for dear life. It certainly wouldn’t do to loose this.

I wasn’t sure how it worked, if he could feel this hand from where he stood twenty meters from me, still fighting Victoria, or if my touch would be lost forever, only known to these inches of mindless flesh. As new flames ripped through my body, I couldn’t tell if I’d ever known the answer, or if the pain was interfering with my memory. So I held his hand as if it would comfort him, as if it would give him strength. I didn’t have enough will in me to worry, the intense fear that the rest of my Edward would meet flame was shooed to the back of my mind. I knew that somehow I should be praying that he’d survive, that he’d make it out of this.

But right then I couldn’t wish for anything more than death. 

_(ожог)_

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

It was like Chinese water torture. Or a bloodletting.

It seemed impossible that I had kept conscious through every second, that I had been awake through every torturous roll of the fire through my limbs, but I had. Yet at the same time I couldn’t remember a moment of it. Not how the pine needled ground had turned to sheets, or if the battle was over or still raging on. I didn’t even know what voices had spoken to me, beyond knowing that none had given me comfort at the time. Every tinny whine or low bass faded with the dull sound of the fire.

I forgot each moment, almost even before it had passed. Everything except for the pain. The pain stretched out behind me hauntingly and before me insurmountably, though, rationally, I knew I hadn’t always lived this way.

This was how I knew I was coming out of the other side. Moments began to catch and drag, if just seconds before slipping away. And then they stuck. Stuck and stayed. Words resonated, echoed even.

“-even consider this. How could you be so fucking stupid! You must have known she couldn’t just be left there unprotected. Either one of them would hurt her or she would do something to hurt herself. And to think I thought I was being melodramatic when I said I would ‘do the noble thing’. I didn’t think I was giving her any ideas!”

Jacob. Jacob? Yes, that seemed right.

Drip.

Drip.

I wanted to frown at the repetitive sound, still plaguing me without mercy. This I could only recall because it had been a constant throughout the change.

“Bella?”

I froze. I must have shown my discomfort on the outside too, and they’d noticed.

It wasn’t a conscious decision to not reach out for help during the last moments of the transformation, once I remembered what my arms were for beyond being extra inches of flesh to feel pain. It was innate. They shouldn’t know how much I was suffering. That wouldn’t solve anything.

“Bella.”

It was a different voice this time. Smooth. Velvet. Two sets of hands rested on me then, one for each arm: one pair scorching hot and the other surprisingly tepid.

_Two tepid hands._

An unknown part of me rejoiced at this inconsequential fact, though I didn’t know why.

And then another touch, feather light, against my hairline. _That’s strange_ , I thought. I only heard two people breathing and shuffling around.

“Maybe you should leave.”

“What? No way! I’m staying here until she asks me to go.”

“She might attack you. Newborns are notoriously hotheaded.” His voice wasn’t smug at this, like I might have expected. It was… sad.

“Well then I’ll take that as my cue to leave. But until then…”

“She might not even recognize you at first. Either of us.”

There was a beat of silence, all except for my firecracker heart, the end nigh, and Jacob’s own heartbeat. He drew in a shaky breath.

“Really?”

And another, longer this time.

“Yes.”

The pain in my heart intensified, seeping from my limbs but soaking my heart in poison, retaliation for the lost territory. This was the end. The muscle in my chest seized, contracting in one last contorted drumbeat, before settling silent within me.

The room went completely still.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

It wasn’t until everything was quiet that I could really hear it, muffled as it had been by fire and pain and voices. Now I could make it out. It wasn’t water dripping at all. It was a whisper-light voice, right at my ear, chanting _Bella Bella Bella_ , the strange absence of an accompanying breath puffing against my skin making it almost undetectable.

My eyes opened like a snap-hypnotized patient, muscles already tensed, my head whipping to the side, knowing something was wrong…

Victoria.

I scrambled back along the sheets, quicker than I could have blinked when I was human, tripping off the bed. My back hit the wall with such force that I left a dent in the plaster; I was surprised I didn’t break clean through and fall onto the lawn. My defensive crouch was obscured by fear, giving the impression that I was cowering rather than being an actual threat.

I barely even registered any presence in the room besides that red-headed demon until Edward moved. Closer. My eyes flickered to him, then back to Victoria, not trusting her for a moment.

He stepped even closer and Jacob hissed.

“What are you _doing_? She could kill you.”

From the corner of my eye, I saw Edward lowering himself to the ground. He scooted slowly towards me, taking care to avoid touching me accidentally. I thought momentarily he looked like a goof before all my thoughts were once again consumed by fear and confusion. How could Edward turn his back on her?

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

He was close enough now to me, so I reached out and grabbed his hand, hopefully not the one that had recently been severed off, dragging him closer. At first there was fear in his eyes. Scared of little old me? But it was quickly replaced by relief, and then bewilderment. He could tell by now I was fixated over his shoulder, and Jacob was across the room.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?”

“S-she-s-she’s-“ I jerked my head in Victoria’s direction, who was smirking at me, and Edward twisted his head to scan the area. When his eyes met mine again he was truly confused.

“What? Do you see something?”

Some _thing_ I wasn’t worried about; it was some _one_ that had me tied up in knots.

Instead of using my own hand to gesture and therefore detach myself from him, I manipulated his index finger and raised his hand to point. How could he not see her? Had she hurt his eyes too?

“Victoria.”

Edward’s forehead furrowed, a lock of bronze hair curling amid the gesture.

“Victoria? We took care of her back at the quarry. You don’t have to worry about her ever again.”

His face was still lined, because he could tell that that wasn’t the answer I was looking for.

“But she’s…” I pointed with his finger again.

“Bella what are you seeing that’s got you scared out of your mind?” Jacob piped up, and I’d almost forgotten he was there. He tensed slightly as my blood-red eyes focused on him, but they weren’t for long; Victoria uncrossed her legs from her position on the bed and rose. My hands clenched in response and from the expression on Edward’s face I could only guess my grip on his hand was stronger than I thought. I merely loosened my hold, bone crushing to bone bruising, because there was no way I was letting him go.

Victoria rounded the bed slowly and with a sickly sympathetic expression on her face she crouched down so we were eyelevel. She wasn’t crowding us, but anywhere in the vicinity of me or Edward (or Jake for that matter) was far too close. Did Edward only _think_ he had killed her? Had she tricked him somehow?

“He can’t see me, Bella-sweetie. I’m dead.”

My eyes flickered to Edward, then Jacob, hoping they could offer some explanation. Maybe I was just hoping their ears would finally pick up on her presence where their eyes had not. They stared back blankly.

“You really don’t see her?”

Edward cocked his head to the side, regarding my carefully. When he spoke, his voice was slow, like a teacher placating a fussy child.

“See who?”

Victoria chuckled.

“Told you so.”

As if some latent instinct kicked in, or perhaps it was a buried memory, I recognized the strength that sat heavy and powerful in my limbs. I wasn’t a fragile human anymore; I didn’t have to fear her, no more so than would anyone else in this room. When I stood, the motion was more fluid than I could have guessed, though I barely even registered the movement.

“If you’re dead then why can I see you?”

My back was now to Edward, but I felt him stand behind me, hands poised to spin me around and ask questions to which I didn’t have the answers. I heard the wet sound of his mouth opening to speak but I held up a hand, silencing him.

Victoria rolled her eyes at my question, standing like a cobra might strike.

“I thought that was obvious.”

I rotated my shoulders, getting irritated.

“Stop trying to confuse me.”

“It’s not my fault you’re easily confused, little girl.”

I hissed, fed-up with the roundabout, circular shape to our argument.

“Tell me.”

I could almost see the syllables of _make me_ being molded like clay in her mouth, before she thought better of it and smiled, feral and wide.

“That little elf bitch can see the future. Your boy toy can read minds. There are a lot of vampires in our world who know things they shouldn’t. _See_ things they shouldn’t.” Her eyebrows rose to punctuate her point and I blanched. Was she trying to say…

“Are you suggesting my ability is to see the dead?”

Victoria’s face shined then, and if it wasn’t for the narrow, hardened set to her carefully concealed eyes I’d almost be inclined to think she was proud. That she was helping me.

“In a way.”

I scowled.

“Prove it.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Are you saying that you’d rather believe you’re the only schizophrenic vampire in existence than admit that I’m actually here?”

“You aren’t actually here. But yes. I always knew my brain didn’t work right.”

Edward let out a confused little whinny behind me, and I nearly jumped, having forgotten he was there. Briefly I wondered what he must be thinking about this whole thing, hearing only one side to this already convoluted conversation, and I found myself tilting my head, taking my eyes off Victoria for a moment to read his expression. He looked so baffled it was almost pained.

She gave a delighted giggle and I glared in her direction, a flicker, before scoping Edward out again.

“I believe, for the first time in your relationship, he’s starting to agree with you.”

At Victoria’s words I studied him more carefully, and I couldn’t say she was wrong. It was startling, truly, to see the second-guessing in his eyes and feel it reflected into my own chest. Doubt begets doubt.

“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?”

Edward’s eyes cleared instantly, like a hastily wiped chalkboard, but I could still see the faint white markings of his hesitance.

“Of course not.”

“He’s lying.”

And, despite the source, I knew it was true.

My eyes squeezed shut, giving my head a little shake, feeling the heavy thoughts thump against the inside of my skull. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

“Why are you doing this to us?” My gaze refocused on fiery red waves and cherry lips, feeling weary even though I knew I’d already caught my last nods of sleep of my now eternal life.

“Well, see that’s the thing: I don’t really have a choice. Vampires aren’t like humans. We don’t pass into the great beyond after the ripping and the burning and the blackness. We linger. Death doesn’t cure the ailment of our immortality.” I stared at her, horrified. That would mean…

“But that’s the best part. I had planned on torturing you and, when I got bored with that, killing you painfully. But humans break so easily. Accidents happen. They practically curdle like milk if you leave them for too long. This… this is so much better.”

Edward moved beside me, grasping my wrist within his tapered fingers and tugging me around to face him. His gaze searched my face. I looked toward Victoria; maybe for answers, maybe because I knew she was the only one I could trust to be what I expected.

She considered, pursing her lips.

“You know he doesn’t really love you. He loves the idea of you. He loves to be loved in that he hates it, and that he loves to hate himself. But even he knew it wouldn’t last. He didn’t want to turn you from the beginning because he knew eventually the illusion would shatter. This is just a fluke; now he’s stuck with you.”

I shook my head, unable, unwilling, to understand what this would mean for me. For us.

“Bella?”

Carved marble jaw, amber irises, perfect lips, but his eyes. His eyes held doubt like vial would hold poison. _Wrong wrong wrong_.

Because that was the thing. There wasn’t any danger lying in wait that hadn’t already struck. Because when I looked at Edward I didn’t see the man that would love me forever, love every selfish, flawed part of me, but the man that would always think I was a little bit crazy. Even if I convinced him otherwise, even if they all eventually believed me, I would always know that he hadn’t been there from the beginning. He had always been looking for an explanation for why I could possibly love him. I knew him and his martyring mind well enough to realize that he would rather think I was insane than believe that I loved him of my own free will.

Victoria’s lips curled and I was almost sick.

“Forever.”


	5. roar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> au. the volturri find them on their honeymoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn't me working out my issues with e/b at all, i have no idea what you're talking about.

 

_February. Get ink, shed tears._  
Write of it, sob your heart out, sing.  
While torrential slush that roars,  
Burns in the blackness of the spring.-

“Ap`res Moi”, Regina Spektor  
  


_v. roar_

The end arrives while we’re honeymooning in Europe which, of course, was my first mistake: thinking we were out of harm's way anywhere on the same continent as the Volturri. But I thought we would be safe. I thought we had more time. I thought-

Regardless, I was wrong. They found us.

I suppose to Bella it would seem that the events that followed occurred rapidly, perhaps even in the blink of an eye, too quickly to even register. But for me it was with agonizing slowness; just enough time to see everything slipping away, but not enough to do anything to stop it.

One moment Bella was chatting away in the hotel bathroom about the spot where Jane Austen wrote Pride & Prejudice, and the next the room was eerily silent.

“Bella, love?” I called, rising from the bed, “Did you fall in?”

The grin slipped from my lips as I rounded the doorframe.

Alec, Demetri. Felix. Another nameless guard I didn’t recognize. Bella’s wide-eyed gaze as she stared at me, terrified, from above Felix’s large hand as he clutched her neck, holding her flush against his wide chest. Before I could react, Alec’s power wafted into my mind, rendering me mute and paralyzed, but not unaware, as I fell to the floor. Demetri’s black boots scuttled into my line of vision just before a bag was placed over my head.

Objectively, everything went quite quickly after that.   

Our shared cell was iron-lined, thick enough to block out the guard’s thoughts outside. With only Bella as my company, it was the most silence I’d had within my own head since I was human, but with my racing thoughts I couldn’t enjoy it. She was still unconscious. Though she would be alright, I stared down at her, pained, knowing it was I who had done this, who had set these events in motion.

I took the moment to consider what the Volturri had in mind. They must not have decided what to do with us yet, or else Jane would have marched us straight to Aro and we both would be dead.

Maybe we were awaiting a judgment for our infraction against the law. Maybe they were still calling dibs. But perhaps they were simply playing games with us, like batting at an injured mouse with cat claws. I couldn’t be sure.

In time Bella came around, and I had to share the information I had gathered about our circumstances; namely, that I knew nothing.

With the passing of the days came no word, and the dumped bits of meager food rations for Bella. Her thirst was quenched by a dripping spickett in the corner. I could hear her stomach protesting as two days turned into three, then four, but I could do nothing to help her. I was totally powerless. And it wasn’t just her hunger; her desperation grew as well. Despite all the danger she had been strung through, she still had never expected this.

“We were always sorta doomed, weren’t we?” she murmured, stunned, and I didn’t want to tell her no, because that had been my assumption from the beginning, but yes seemed like a brutal answer. The glass is only half-full as long as it doesn’t shatter to pieces.

“Don’t say that,” seemed to be the only medium.

“But it’s true, isn’t it? From the beginning you were always one breath away from killing me. And if it wasn’t your own bloodlust it was someone else’s. But if Carlisle had never changed you, you would have died decades before I was even born. Maybe it’s not me who’s the danger magnet. Maybe it’s us, together.”

Her hair ran like silk from between my fingers as I swept a stray strand behind her ear, her pulse thumping unevenly millimeters beneath the pads of my fingertips.

“I can’t believe that.”

There. That was close enough to the truth not to be a lie.

The realization of our circumstance came to me as one of the guards broke the iron seal around us to dump a tray of unappealing food into the room for Bella.

_I wish this fucker would just bite the bitch already_ , he thought thuggishly, _Demitri’s got two on him turning her, but he’ll probably just drain her. At this rate I might beat him to it. Aro might as well just send down the kill order now since he’s taking so fucking-_

With that the slat snapped shut, and I was left sitting in strangled silence.

“He’s waiting me out.”

Bella paused over the tray, turning to me with confused eyes. My heart sunk when I noticed she was even thinner and more sunken than yesterday.

“What are you talking about?”

“Aro. He’s letting us wait here until I turn you. Or until my bloodlust becomes so intense that I kill you.”

The blunt words lingered in the air like gun smoke, blue and sulfur and deadly.

Understanding dawned bright and awful in Bella eyes, but instead of horror I saw determination illuminated there in the aftermath.

“Do it,” Bella pleaded, her expression wild, “Turn me.”

I looked at her helplessly. “No. Not like this.”

She locked her jaw, her gaze scanning the space over my shoulder as if it held the tools to convince me. Her eyes whipped over to meet mine again.

“In Alice’s vision, the one where I’m a vampire?” I nodded low, pained. “Am I happy?”

I got the impression that she was asking not for her own knowledge but to prove a point. Of course she knew; I’d heard her once in the wee morning hours after having returned early from a hunting trip, asking Alice to repeat the details of that vision over and over, like the constant replay of a favorite movie scene until the tape crinkled in the rewind.

“Yes.” I swallowed, knowing I was losing ground. “Alice seemed to think so.”

Bella raised an eyebrow. “Don’t _you_ know? You saw it in her head for yourself.” I gave my head a little shake, not knowing how to respond. She was right, I had. Bella’s expression turned suspicious. “What are you really afraid of?”

I tilted my head away, unable to meet her eyes. I feared losing her forever to bloodlust, despite how irrational it was, and I feared that the eyes of an immortal would finally see how much better than me she was. But neither of these were the dark reasons that clouded my judgment, that haunted my consciousness at every turn.

“I don’t know why you’re being so stubborn. It’s this or die for us now, and I’ve already told you it’s what I wanted from the beginning. I know you want it too, you’ve told me yourself. Why are you making this so damn difficult?!” Her breath puffed out in angry huffs like a bull faced with crimson, and if this were a different situation I might have laughed at her indignation. Such a sharp-tempered girl. _She’d make an excellent vampire_ , a tiny voice in my head told me, and the thought sobered me.

“I don’t want you to hate me,” I whispered, shamed, because I could already hear her response in the air.

“But I’ve already told you-“

“I know what you’re saying. Now. But in forty years? Seventy? When your friends are all living their lives and your parents die and you want to have children? What then? I know you’ll grow to resent me, because how could you not? And I don’t-“ I hesitated, because this was the worst part of it, the most selfish part. “I don’t think I will be able to live with myself when you do.”

Bella was silent and I grew worried that my confession was the final nail in the coffin of our short-lived marriage. But when I raised my eyes to her face, her expression was speculative. I furrowed my brow.

“You don’t think you’re good enough to keep me happy. That I’ll want more.” It wasn’t a question, but I nodded as if it were one. To my great surprise, she laughed, for some reason tickled by the idea. “Bella Swan too good for Edward Cullen.” She giggled once more before sobering, looking quite cross with me all of a sudden. “I thought we’d learned this lesson.”

“I-“ staring at my fingers, at a loss, “I have no idea what you mean. Have we been trapped by vampire royalty before and forced to choose between our death or your change? Because I think I would remember that.”

She smacked me playfully on the shoulder, “No, dummy. I thought you weren’t going to let your own stupid opinions about vampires take away any of my choices again,” she raised her eyebrows, daring me to protest, “Last time you did that, we both almost died. Twice. Right in this building, if my sense of direction is correct.”

It wasn’t, but I understood her point. It didn’t mean I agreed.

“That was different.”

“How?” Bella spread her arms wide as if to encompass all the ways in which I was wrong, “Step one, Edward thinks Bella is in danger from big bad vampire things. Step two, Bella swears she loves Edward in spite of the danger, maybe even a little because of it,” I raised an eyebrow, but let her continue, “Step three, Edward decides he knows what’s best for Bella and shields her anyway. Step four, _disaster occurs_. The only part we’re missing here is that last one and it’s only because it _hasn’t happened yet_. But it doesn’t have to! We can still make this right.”

I could tell that this argument was fraying her already thin nerves, but this had been brewing for a long while.

She continued, this time using her ‘let’s be reasonable’ voice.

“I know you just want me to be happy, to do nothing that could cause me pain. But I’m the one who should decide what those things are, even if you think you know better than I do. This always second guessing me…” she paused, meeting my gaze with a harried, stern expression. “It shows me that you don’t trust me to make my own choices.” I opened my mouth to protest vehemently, but she spoke over me, “I know you don’t see it that way. But that’s how it feels. I need you to respect me enough to let me have this.”

I sat down heavily, releasing a lungful of air like I was dropping a brick. Did she really think I didn’t respect her? I did, of course, immensely. But this wasn’t 1918, I reminded myself grouchily. These days respect towards women, towards your beloved, wasn’t waiting to marry them before seeing them naked, or refusing to curse in front of them, or handling them like a mantle-piece treasure. It was seeing them like an equal, and treating them as such. I suddenly got the feeling that I’d been going about the last two years of my life very wrong. 

“I love you,” I said, because it was all I could think to say.

Bella soft smile dissolved into fear as the bolts in the heavy door clanked when they were unlocked, and I rose to my feet swiftly. She pressed herself to my side and I wrapped a protective arm around her shoulders, ready to shield her if need be.

Jane’s expression was bored when she appeared across the doorway, and her thoughts were of a similar brand of apathy. She glared at Bella as if she were doing the vampire some inconvenience for existing, before meeting my hard gaze.

“Aro wishes to speak with you.” What she didn’t say was that the ruler was concerned that I hadn’t killed or turned Bella already, and he was hoping to speed the process along with more ultimatums. From her thoughts I could tell the rest of the guard were similarly anxious, and there was a good chance they’d try to convince Aro to let them have her. I tensed, but stepped forward, knowing I had no choice.

The damp, dark corridor gave way to sandstone, then an elevator, and I wondered how many vampires had ridden this same one on their way to their doom. I wondered if any of them had found the humor in the Italian musak, had died laughing inside. I didn’t suppose many, but immortality can give one an odd sense of humor.

More guards were waiting just outside the great hall, and I gripped Bella’s hip in my palm as they stared at her jugular hungrily, and they considered just how much trouble they’d be in if they ripped her away from me right then and drank. Thankfully Aro’s instructions had been precise; they wanted us both alive. For the mean time, at least.

The crowd parted for us, leaving us just inside the semi-circle surrounding the thrones. I was puzzled at first by the numbers. Usually the handing down of edicts and the often bloody application of them was a job handled by the three rulers and a small handful of guards, not the entire court. But I spotted some of the oldest and most powerful in the room, and it made me increasingly nervous.

Then I read their thoughts.

They were here for the show.

“My young friends,” Aro greeted happily from his perch, as if he hadn’t been keeping up locked in a dungeon for a week, but in the guest house by the pool, “It’s such a pleasure to see you both well.”

I could have laughed. I almost did.

I didn’t even need to read his mind; judging by his pinched expression, nothing could be less true. He was puzzled that I hadn’t succumbed to the call of Bella’s blood and I was shocked when I picked up that he was afraid if I took too long I really would kill her; he wanted her a vampire, not dead. Before I could dig deeper and figure out why, Caius was slithering forward, a scowl as ever embossed on his face.

Bella tensed, remembering how happy he had been at the idea of slitting her throat before.

“This is ridiculous, Aro. Just finish this.” Bella quivered at my side, but I couldn’t assure her it wasn’t her death Caius was championing. Not this time.

It was much worse.

Aro spoke up, glancing at his fellow king like he was embarrassed for his bluntness.

“Yes, well everything in due time.” He tittered happily, turning his eyes to my wife. “And you Bella? I apologize that we don’t keep much that’s appealing to humans in the way of food, but this time I made sure to be prepared for your visit.”

A tray somehow rolled out from the crowd, topped with grapes, figs and a leg of some kind of meat. All probably items Aro could recall from his human days; he gestured sweepingly toward it and Bella leaned forward involuntarily before catching herself. I knew she must be starving, fed barely more than scraps for days, but she retreated warily. She knew better than to accept such seeming charity.

Her eyes rose to my face with a question as I scanned Aro’s thoughts. I nodded.

“It’s safe,” I murmured in her ear.

Bella cautiously reached for a grape, plucking it from the stem like she was afraid it might bite her back. But she popped it into her mouth with no further incident, and she quickly grabbed another.

The crowd watched this exchange with fascination and, when Bella began to eat, disgust. Most were too old to recall the appeal of human food and, unlike me, found the sight of humans feeding to be revolting. I just thought she was beautiful regardless.

“Do you find the amenities to your liking?” Aro questioned with a half hopeful, half calculating smile.

Bella paused to downcast her eyes, a picture of subservience. But from the tight way she fisted the back of my shirt I knew she was irritated by the show.

“Yes, very much. Thank you Aro.”

Bella was just putting another string of meat in her mouth when Aro spoke.

“I’m glad. It’s best to enjoy such things while you still can.”

She froze, still mid-chew, and cast a wide-eyed look on the mastermind. She swallowed thickly, but didn’t speak.

“He’s going to offer us a position in his guard,” I explained stiffly, placing a lilt of sarcasm on the word _offer_. There really was no choice. “Or he’ll kill us both.”

Aro looked to me as if exasperated that I’d ruined a grand surprise.

“You could choose to join alone, of course,” he offered me kindly, and Bella bristled.

“And if we refuse?” I gritted out, already knowing the answer.

“We aren’t in the business of being denied,” Caius explained coldly.

Denials were on my lips, hateful spit building in my mouth to be reared back and shot like ammunition, but then I felt Bella’s soft, tiny hand on my cheek. I looked down into her wide, brown eyes and I knew immediately I would do whatever she asked of me. If she wanted me to lay down and be crucified right this instant, I would.

“Do it,” she pleaded, and I was reminded of the conversation we’d had just before we were sent for, and all the lessons I’d learned because of it. “It will be fine as long as we’re together.” Her warm hands pressed into my chest, and I nodded weightily.

“Delightful!” Aro clapped, jarring us out of our solemn exchange and reminding us of our audience. We both stared at him blankly for a moment, waiting for our marching orders, before he gestured impatiently. “Well? On with it then.”

Bella squeaked. “Here?” She quaked like a baby bird.

I glanced around pointedly at the gathered vampires, then met Aro’s eyes. Surely the moment Bella’s blood hit the air we would have a mob on our hands.

“I assure you that our friends have no intentions of hurting Mrs. Cullen here. They have excellent control over their baser natures.” I raised an eyebrow and Aro chuckled. “When they’re ordered to, that is.”

I took a rattled breath and turned to Bella. Her eyes met mine, but beneath the fear I saw her trust in me, shining out like a beacon. Without it, I don’t think I would have had the courage to lean down to her ear.

“Whatever happens, know that I love you.”

I felt her mouth the same words back to me, and gave a quick little nod as my lips found her throat. I sent a prayer up to whatever imagined or real god that was listening that somehow we could see through this, alive and together. I hoped someone was taking notes.

My teeth clamped down on her neck. Then all hell broke loose.

(грохочущая)

The parking lot was teeming with teenagers, the crowd awash with a rushed babbling as each group attempted to finish gossiping before the first bell. I leaned back against my car and resisted the urge to begin chipping off flecks of silver paint in my boredom. Surrounded on all sides by spoken and thought words that I had heard a million times in a dozen different dialects and decades, my mind sought out the one consciousness I wished to hear. A generically pretty blonde intentionally brushed past me as she climbed down from the high passenger seat of her linebacker boyfriend’s truck, but I blocked out both her hopeful thoughts and the wordless rage of the boy as I honed in on the other side of the lot.

A flash of brown hair and a wink.

I relaxed minutely, never having truly been worried. Pushing off from my car, I nonchalantly strolled into the school, heading for my English classroom. It was a tiny room swimming on four sides by walls papered with posters of Shakespearian plays and pleas to read over the summer, but I was thankful all the same for a little breathing room. There was a time, just after our escape from Volterra, that my family never would have allowed me to be unattended like this, so exposed.

I could still remember the screams just after I bit Bella, both hers and that of the ancient vampires around us falling victim to teeth and claws. Drinking barely a drop more than was necessary to secure her change, I sealed her wound with a swipe of my tongue and backed away against the wall, Bella in my lap with my arms wrapped around her. In the clamor of panicked thoughts and bloodlust it was difficult to discern the hunters from the hunted, the wails of a final death versus the battle cries. I saw a flash of fur moving among the crowd rushing towards the exit but dismissed the idea quickly. Until I picked out a web of thoughts from the tumult. The pack mind.

And then a clearing formed and I was faced with the unquestionable sight of Alice tearing Jane into pieces.

Carlisle found us first.

“Edward,” he breathed, suddenly on his knees beside us. Bella let out a keening cry, nails drawing blood from her own palms. “The change?”

I nodded, pushing a tangle of her hair back from her sweaty forehead. She quieted slightly at my cool touch but the stitch of pain wrinkling her eyebrows remained.

Carlisle tilted his head down to examine what of Bella he could, considering I was still wrapped protectively around her, and seemed to determine everything was normal, considering.

The battle still raged around us.

“We organized as soon as we were sure you had been taken here. We weren’t sure how to proceed at first, anything other than a suicide mission, but thank God for Alice.”

I gathered the rest from Carlisle’s mind. Alice had had a vision of a faction already forming among the Volturri’s own ranks. It became clear that some within the guard – a sizable group if the identities of the fallen were noted – believed that Aro’s personal interests were beginning to outweigh his duty. Various incidents, including the guard’s inaction against the newborn army, led many to realize that the rulers many counted on to carry out justice were becoming vain and inflated in their power with few results to back up their claim. It was decided that something needed to be done.

Once my family and our alliances – the wolves, the Denali clan, numerous nomadic friends – had agreed to join their ranks, the rebels poised to strike.

I could still recall the lavender smoke clouds rising amongst the towers of Volturri as I turned with Bella in my arms to board Carlisle’s plane, tinting the sunset an eerie violet and green, like a day-old bruise.

The new order was more rule-bound but decidedly more predictable and, perhaps most importantly, one that was supremely in the Cullen family’s debt.

I was shaken from my thoughts by a whiff of freesia down the hall, and I glanced up from my locker to meet a familiar gaze.

_Penny for your thoughts?_

I smirked and turned to grab my French book, knowing she could read my amusement in the bow of my cheek.

_I’m fairly sure that would be a waste of money._

Bella bent down to take a drink from the fountain, the spray of water falling just short of her tongue.

_What did I tell you about dwelling? It’s really your least attractive feature._

I checked my phone in the hollow shadow of my locker, partially to look busy and partially to get Alice off my back by responding to her text messages.

_I thought you said that was my control issues?_

I felt her moving down the hall toward me, but I didn’t glance up.

_Oh, right. Forgot about that. Second worst then. Third is your incessant correcting._

I felt her fingers flit along my wrist that was peaking out of my back pocket in a movement too quick for human eyes.

_Save me a seat._

I smiled contentedly, slamming the aluminum face of my locker into place and walking the opposite direction as my wife, a girl that by anyone else’s guess I didn’t know at all.

Bella likes to play games. It’s as if some parts of her were totally inverted in the change, leaving her bold and fearless, craving the power of all eyes on her now that she knows they’re not staring to be rude; they just can’t look away.

I might have interpreted it as vain if I hadn’t seen it through her eyes. It isn’t attention she wants, not exactly, and in this way human Bella and vampire Bella are one in the same; the attention is reassurance, a compliment paid to half-unwilling, half-desperate ears. What she’s really after is the thrill of it and here the two aspects of herself collide. This is just another cliff to jump, another set of handlebars to grip. Only now I’m there to ride by her side.

She’s devious in that collected way that never hurts anyone in any way but their pride. All her years reading through the lives of hundreds of women leading hundreds of lives resolves her to walk down many paths, hand in hand with a husband that she knows would never leave her. She’s curious, like a child questioning a fairytale, and I can’t help but oblige her.

I had thought that the differences between human and vampire would terrify me, would cause me to curl away in horror at her red-dampened lips and tawny eyes like I was looking at a stranger. But instead it vindicates me to see her confident and self-aware, traveling the world as if she were prancing across a map laid flat on hardwood. I find that she is the same in all the ways that matter; my love for her is rooted inside the deepest parts of her soul and nothing will ever change that.

At first I feared for her bloodlust, knowing it would pass but dreading the time until then. But thankfully, along with my thoughts, she has also inherited my memories of how to maintain self-control, the pain of my guilt when I couldn’t. She struggles, but not for long; she’s a quick learner.

Bella turns out to have a flair for the dramatic, for storytelling, and she blames it on all of the Shakespeare rotting her brain. (Her human life might have been a tragic romance, but her vampire life is certainly a comedy of errors.) Each new disguise is like new outfit, and she loves trying on people in a way that she had never appreciated trying on clothing.

We’ve been a wealthy couple from France (she still giggles when she thinks of my accent), a musician and author on the verge of their big break in the city, runaway teenagers living on the road. We’ve been Izzy and Eddie, Isabelle and Eduardo, Isa and Ed, but most often we don’t like the name of another’s on our tongues (even if it’s supposed to be us).

Sometimes we’ll buy pairs of abandoned luggage in airport baggage claim, laying out the contents and making up characters to match what we find. We’ll launder the clothes, tailor them to fit if necessary, and wear them like costumes. We read the books packed away inside, take on the accents of the bag’s intended destination (we have to guess which airport was home, based on whether the clothing inside was clean or dirty), and fill our ears with the CDs found. We construct elaborate set ups for how our two characters know each other; we’ve been business associates, lovers, a divorced couple sharing custody of a child, classmates on a band trip. When no connection comes to us we pretend to meet in bookstores, or waiting rooms, or by running into each other on crowded streets.

I would be just as happy to tuck ourselves away in an isolated cabin for years. To rid ourselves of the influence of the outside world. And we have, Bella knowing my desires and surprising me with a property in Canada in early fall, bought with shared wealth, and snowing ourselves in, not surfacing for any reason other than to hunt until the snow melted mid-spring. Bella is content to hide away with me, but our games excite her, bring her alive, and I can’t deny her that. In a way I feel that I’m regifting her with something I’ve taken from her; she can’t have her own human life, but she can have thousands of others. And I’ve grown to enjoy our performances; I’ve listened in on millions of lives, but I had barely lived mine for so many years.

Occasionally we’ll rejoin our siblings and play with the teen angst factor on the high school stage, pretending to get caught in closets and bathroom stalls and backseats in the student parking lot, passing dirty notes in that obvious, over the desk fashion that always gets them read to the class. We’ve been cheerleader and nerd (this one was my idea, and whenever my mind wanders to her paneled skirt she gets that warning look in her eye. _Don’t even think about it buddy; never again_.) Sometimes we even pretend to hate each other, volleying nasty insults over Tuesday surprise sandwiches in the cafeteria, pretending to trip each other and spreading rumors and protesting when we get paired together in every class (because we share nearly every one by design). Eventually we’ll cave, never lasting until graduation, and plan that epic slap-slap-kiss knock down drag out in the quad during lunch period, where everyone is there to watch. (These days are her absolute favorite; loves the tizzy in their minds when she slips her tongue into my mouth, like carbonation inside a glass.) A few will say they knew the infamous enemies would hook up all along, and I have to agree.

But this one has to be my favorite.  

“Hello.” She jumps, her fingers curled up inside her hoodie sleeves and her eyes fluttering over my shoulder, seemingly unable to meet my eyes. “My name is Edward Cullen. You must be Bella Swan?”

She nods jerkily and I have to hide my grin. (She was always so good at this part.) Bella’s eyes meet mine, (brown brown brown, and even if they’re contacts it still kills me) and her lips curl for the smallest of milliseconds.

The teacher might be droning on about human bone cells instead of mitosis, and we both might be secretly listening to the girl named Abby behind us thinking about how she’s sure the two of us will be high school sweethearts, but it still brings me back to that first day I spoke to her so many years ago. I resist the urge to change history and lean over to kiss my wife.  
  
Patience.


End file.
